A fraud

For the past 28 years of my life I've felt like a fraud. That I had to wear a facade of success in front of people. No, I don't blame my parents nor anyone else for feeling this way. I don't remember when I started feeling this way, but I always knew that I could never quite measure up to what I perceived to be people's expectations of me.

I could never quite distinguish people's real expectations of me and my own perceived notions of what they expected of me. I do remember when it started to affect me, when I started getting honours when I was only 4. I started to wonder why my relatives would make such a big deal out of a perfect score in math- sheesh! it wasn't like I studied hard or was disciplined enough to do well in the exams. I clearly enjoyed math and revelled in it. But that started a fear of failure for me and also, the belief that I could dream bigger dreams for myself- it almost seemed like a curse and a blessing. Had that not happen to me, I would have never pushed myself to be where I am now.

But, still I felt like a fraud. That any moment now someone would say,no you aren't actually talented/intelligent, you're just ordinary. And I didn't want to be ordinary- my brother was ordinary, my parents were ordinary. I wanted to be different. And for a long time, I stayed away from my family (in an emotional sort of way)- rebelling against them secretly, while trying to get the perfect grades in school. But, in my 2nd year of highschool I started feeling tired of the game I was playing and decided to hang out and enjoy myself. By the time I was in my last year in highschool, I was still doing that hanging out thing but realised that even when I was just hanging out, I was still the best in the class- not just my class but the whole graduating class.

So, I moved on to college and went into a career I thought would make the facade, the fraud real. But, no. A lot of things unravelled there- yes I was still a fraud but I had to find ways to make the fraud real. So sadly, that included boyfriends as well- looking back at it, most of my relationships were with guys who I thought made the fraud real- which meant that I wanted them to change to fit the dream, and obviously that didn't work out.

The good thing though is that my life now is filled with realities that I never imagined would happen or would make me happy and fulfilled.

I don't usually do new year's resolutions and I hate to be dramatic about this, but...

this is my last year in my twenties;

and so, I want this to live my life in reality- no more a fraud, no more facades.

Hello, I am Jan and this is me.